u-haul or u-ghost
Written by Daphne Bryant
All photos courtesy of Macey Keung
Graphics by Daphne Bryant
U-hauling: the sapphic act of moving in with someone very early into dating them. It’s a rampant stereotype in the lesbian community that relationships move fast, and many people do go on first dates, and then that first date never ends…
The reason for this phenomenon? There’s actually MANY, and they’re not as ridiculous as you might think!
1. Money Talks: Splitting rent/mortgage will always be a lot easier than paying it all yourself. In general, a lot of couples move in together to help lower the financial cost of living.
2. I Can (Not) Go The Distance #SorryHercules: While there aren’t any exact statistics on the percentage of lesbian relationships that are medium or long-distance, a lot of these relationships are. And if you think being in a long distance relationship is fun, you’re one lucky gay. Living close to or with your romantic partner is almost always favored; people in the WLW community may move in together faster than normal because they don’t want to deal with the strife of their long distance relationship.
3. We’re Just Feeling All the Feelings, Man: There’s also not really any exact stats about whether or not people that are AFAB (Assigned Female at Birth) are inherently more emotional than those that are AMAB (Assigned Male at Birth), but we don’t get the reputation for no reason. Most female-identifying individuals would argue that they are more open with their emotions and willing to connect romantically than their male counterparts are, and in queer relationships this vulnerability and level of intimacy seems to be even higher than in hetero ones. “I love you’s” are often said faster, and signing a lease just might happen faster too.
4. Rarer than Diamonds: A potential reason for the long distance sensation I mentioned earlier? Despite what conservative media might tell you, the queer community is still very much a minority (with about 9% of people identifying as LGBTQ+ globally). This means that our community is spread out across miles and miles of geography, and it can be hard to find people you genuinely like that are close by. Even those of us that live in highly populated cities might still have significant issues dating or finding people that we or our friends haven’t already dated, as compared to our straight counterparts. That’s why it feels so fucking good when we meet someone new who makes our heart, mind and soul sing. It’s like winning the lesbian lottery, really! Why wouldn’t you want to seal the deal and move in together as quickly as possible? Can’t have anyone else snatching them up!
“It’s like winning the lesbian lottery, really!”
5. Let’s Not Waste Time: I know everyone likes to joke that these younger generations are coming out earlier and earlier, but some of us are only recently coming into our queerness and getting to live in our authentic truth. Queer love can be a new thing for people who have wanted to be out and finally can be, and like a teenage boy experiencing puberty for the first time, us sapphics are ready to jump into the big adventure of unbridled romance and experience a level of queer commitment that we haven’t gotten to before.
So yes, u-hauling is a stereotype, but it’s also real, and people do it for real (not always crazy) reasons. That being said, sometimes we really do need to slow the fuck down! If you’ve noticed yourself jumping into your lesbian relationships and regretting it later, you might consider adopting a much chiller approach to dating. U-Ghost, in other words! Here are some pros of “slow dating” (or not dating at all)!
1. Flag It!: If you take things slower and really get to know your potential partner, you’ll catch red flags much earlier on. It’s easier to end something sooner than later, before things get too intimate or entangled. U-Ghosting can prevent you from getting shacked up with some kind of abuser. #ThankMeLater!
2. Anti-Romanticization: Let’s talk about lust at first sight! Don’t be ashamed; it’s normal for people to romanticize their crushes and to romanticize future relationships, but putting your partner on a pedestal often creates an unhealthy relationship dynamic where the balance is simply off. Taking things slow allows you to really get to know someone for who they are, and not for how you imagine them to be. If you’re still really into them after a few months of getting to know each other, then chances are you’re not romanticizing the situation and genuinely have a solid connection. The infatuation you feel at first may be the consequence of a“ relationship high”, and you want to make sure you actually like the person.
**Beware: don’t wait too long to establish what your relationship actually is. People will get stuck in situationships for years, and those are only fun for so long.
3. Flirty Friends to Lovers: Not that people who U-Haul aren’t or can’t be great friends with their romantic partners, but there is definitely a difference between a relationship that starts off intense and romantic versus one that starts off slow and friendly. Even if you really like a person, waiting to move in together or make it official gives you time to build up a friendship and platonic connection. Slow burns can be very rewarding.
4. Do We Make Sense?: Similar to catching red flags, when you give yourself time to get to know somebody it’s a lot easier to figure out if you would actually make sense as a couple. What if you both have very different visions of your future lives (ex: you want to backpack around the European countryside and your potential partner wants to settle down in Seattle and work for the next decade), or what if you have some serious dealbreakers (ex: you really, really want to have kids and your partner, under no circumstances, wants that)? Or maybe you’re just better off as friends! Maybe the sex is REALLY bad, or maybe they have secret political views that you don’t fuck with. Yes things change and compromise happens, but I promise you: you’ll know these huge relationship markers more and better if you wait a couple of months to discuss them versus a couple of weeks.
5. Hookup Culture: Finally, while hookup culture is not something I’m particularly good at participating in (because I’m a hopeless romantic, sorry about it), a lot of people don’t really want to be tied down to a relationship. Or in this case, A LITERAL PLACE OF RESIDENCE. I can appreciate the freedom of exploring multiple platonic, sexual and romantic connections, and have done this before. If you don’t U-Haul with someone, you’re free to do all of these things in a way that can be extremely sexually liberating (and fun)!
