Dear diary_ Could I ever be a great lover?

Written by Elise Guzman

Art by @picklegrl

“Over the past few summers, I’ve had an on-and-off situation with downloading Hinge.”

Dear Diary,

Life feels like a calm ocean and a spiral all at the same time. The world is burning and I can only hope for rain since I cannot produce it myself. Oh, I really wish I could call upon the rain. The independent woman I call myself, but what good is it if I still feel an emptiness from time to time? Humans aren’t meant to do it alone, I still want that companionship. Yet, I still fear the journey to that level of love. I self-sabotage, run away, and hide in my new projects or familial connections. I figure there will be better for them out there and they couldn’t possibly care as much as I do.

I love love. My eyes grow soft as my Mama explains how this new man in her life makes her feel; suddenly I am the parent and she is the child, glowing. My heart could never be as filled with bliss and bittersweetness as it is then. My friends will debrief their dates with me and I’ll be attentive because this kind of girl talk equals the excitement I get when they discuss their passion projects with me. Seeing my mutuals share their anniversaries with their partners or wedding photos on a random Sunday afternoon brings me unforgettable joy.

Over the past few summers, I’ve had an on-and-off situation with downloading Hinge. The summertime is the only time I let myself relax since it’s such a magical season filled with so much goodness like my birthday, Pride: Caribbean Heritage Month, and more. So I decided that now is the perfect time to go back into dating. I’ll find myself swiping and suddenly I’ll match with someone I fancy. Someone who probably does something in the arts (It’s definitely a pattern) or has a lovely smile. We will talk for days or weeks even and I’ll find myself enjoying the deep conversations and witty humor a lot more than expected. That’s when it hits me, this fear of progressing to the next mark.

A date? God, that sounds amazing and terrifying all at the same time. Yet, that also means being face-to-face. There is no denying that newfound worry that it won’t work out and all those heartfelt phone calls or text messages will be for nothing. There will be no moving forward because that would result in more dates, soon a title of sorts, and as much as I desire that, I’m afraid. I haven’t seemed to be the best at providing others with what they need in relationships, at least I feel that way. I have big dreams to achieve and it seems I lack the ability to do that and hold space for someone to be my partner. That’s never fair and while I know I hold a lot of love and care for someone, it never feels like the right thing to do when I can’t find a balance.

There are days I feel uncomfortable in my loneliness, like a sour aftertaste trapped at the back of my throat. A sign it is time to create space for myself and remember the joys of life. To put on that colorful outfit, the one that involves a floral headscarf, a top to let the sun hit my collarbones, and the funkiest earrings I got before heading outside for a walk. To walk each Brooklyn street until my calves feel sore. I’ll grab some sweet treat, probably an iced passionfruit tea (because who doesn’t feel better after that), and people-watch. I’ll notice the couples that hold hands while crossing the street, the ones who share meals at restaurants, the ones who bicker about directions, and the ones who laugh at each other’s corny jokes. I can’t help but giggle for forgetting that I’m the person I’ve learned to love, to be my companion. The loneliness is only temporary, but in a way, it’s a reminder that it’s just not my time to try and fill that feeling with the right intentions.

It hurts to let people go. To send that long message saying that I’m just not ready and wish them well in their future. Their kindness was appreciated and they taught me life lessons just through their words. I have family and friends to take care of, and they will find better. That is how it’s been for the longest now. I do hope for a change.

I can be a proud daughter, an excellent friend, a kind granddaughter.

Could I ever be a great lover?